bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
