Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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