I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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