I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
even my farts smell like vagina
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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