I accidentally burped into my bong.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
