Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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