Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
