Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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