how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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