i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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