Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
