I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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