I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
