Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
