I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
