She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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