a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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