look no pants
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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