I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
