Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
