All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
