there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
