he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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