after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
