Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
