And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
