If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
