It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
