Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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