Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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