Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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