I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
