If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
