i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
