my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
