people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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