i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
