don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
