I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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