I hope my margaritas pass through security.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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