I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My dad is sitting where you rode me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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