why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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