i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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