he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
