I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
