Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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