I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
