I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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