Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
