what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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