I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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