i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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