Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
